Postpartum Reality. Supporting new mums . Setting boundaries.

Becoming a mum for the first time is one of the most challenging, rewarding, emotional & difficult times in many women's lives. Not only are you navigating a new lifestyle for your baby but also for yourself.. You can get so consumed in being a mum that you forget to look after you, and I don't just mean not having time to relax and take a bath, but even just eating a proper meal or having a conversation that is not just all about how well your baby is or is not sleeping. So quickly you can find yourself slipping out of this wonderful time where everyone is checking up on you during the end of your pregnancy to feeling quite isolated.. I for one definetly had some of these feelings after my first born, it seemed as if at 3-4 weeks postpartum the novelty of "a new baby" wears off and you are still there still mothering and the world has just moved on without you.

I was the first one of my friends to have a baby, and it seemed at the time that they just didn't have an interest in my life anymore, no one seemed to want to hang out now that I wasn't drinking or going out to restaurants, instead I had a newborn and preferred to stay home.. the invites slowly stopped and I started seeing them hanging out together without so much as a mention of the events to me.. It hurt, and now I realise this wasn't the case at all, in fact they just didn't know how to adjust to my life without feeling like they were overstepping or putting to much pressure on me. Now don't get me wrong, having a baby is definitly one of the quickest ways you will discover who actually cares about you, but in saying that you suddenly have clarity on who you actually want in your life and discover who it is time to move on from.

Discovering a whole new side of yourself post partum is equally as amazing as it is terrifying, I find this is when many people do start to slip into a slightly negative mindset, because you are feeling left behind and left out of what life used to be like.. often you become so dependent on your partner being your'e only friend, because hanging out with people when you have a newborn is hard! One of my favourite quotes is "you can't pour from an empty cup" and I completely believe every singe person should keep this in mind when going through those early months with a baby.. Just because life has changed doesn't mean you still can't go out and do the things you enjoy. if you miss hanging out with your friends, start small, invite them to your house, just have coffee and a pull apart until you work yourself up to heading out in public with Bub. If you enjoy walking but Bub is always unsettled, Invite your mum or partner ( someone that will support you, and understand that the walk might only be 200m). If you need a pick me up, Buy yourself a little something special to make you feel better.. I used to sit on the couch with a home foot spa and a Heat pack on my back.. it was my "me time"- even though I was stuck under a breastfeeding baby!

And most importantly, do not be ashamed or feel upset with yourself to admit that you might need help! Lack of sleep, Constant crying or even just general change in routine and lifestyle is damn hard! I remember handing Layla over to Jake the very first night we brought her home and saying "You need to take her, because I can't be around her" I was struggling, I walked back upstairs jumped in the shower and bawled my eyes out... I later felt better and ready to "mum" again.. all needed was a little help! there is also absolutely no shame in visiting your DR, a sleep specialist or phoning a friend at midnight to say you need help.. no one said parenting was easy, and no one is in the position to judge you.

Supporting Mums.

In order to have others help and support you in this journey you need to also make sure you support yourself, I for one could not make a higher recommendation than going a mothers group! I started mothers group with Layla when she was 4 weeks old , I felt so vulnerable, I was a 20 year old, with a fifo partner, learning to not only be a mum but also single parenting for the first time.. but once I walked in I felt so comfortable.. because everyone was in the same boat.. Their was boobs out, crying babies, Babies in carriers, in prams, laying on the floor.. some were drinking bottles.. and no one was their to judge, we were all learning, and by actually talking to other mums, I felt so connected, and became so much more confident in my parenting abilities.. Because everyone was the same we were all learning to navigate mum life!

I also learnt that some of the ways to support new mums are really simple!

1. Tell them they are doing a good job.

2. Invite them or ask if they want to catch up somewhere they feel comfortable.

3. Let them know you are thinking of them, send them a text, ask how there day is going!

4. You might want to buy them a little gift, maybe a voucher for coffee or a new water bottle.

5. Ask if there is anything you can help her out with.

Setting boundaries..

One thing I do want to make people aware of, is with all the emotions & hormones of being new parents you can also find yourself letting people "walk all over you". something you probably won't even realise is happening until a few months down the track when you are reflecting back. So often I hear of people struggling with boundaries, and wishing they were more vocal with saying No, while in those early vunrable days.. and it honestly breaks my heart, the amount of new families that go through this..I find myself asking "why is there not more common knowledge on how to support new mums & dads"... And then I realised I never read up on how to support myself postpartum so why on earth would other people understand how to, and that's just it, if you want your boundaries respected & the support from you're family & friends.. you need to tell them!

I understand how challenging it is to say "No" but trust me mumma's you just have to do it.

Like I said, Boundaries setting is one of the most vital things that I would recommend to any new parent, I'm sure you have seen the Facebook posts shared with "no Vax, no visit" so why should it be any different to share your boundaries with your family and friends before bubs arrival . I just quickly made this one up on the app "Canva" it is really simple to use, and maybe you could consider creating one to share, with you're own personal boundaries.

I also wanted to outline the importance of speaking up when you are not happy with how something is going.. I struggled with asking people to hand Layla back when she would become unsettled, instead I would watch them attempt to soothe her and it would upset me.. but now I know, just speak up, say "hey, its actually time for a feed" and physically reach out for your baby!. They might think they are helping you by trying to settle the baby down.

when visiting a new mum:

* Please do not visit or ask to visit in the first 5 days. Emotions are high, milk is coming in and we are all still learning how to parent, I understand you want to meet baby, but we have also been waiting, so let us settle in!

* Ask if we need anything.. we might be out of milk for toilet paper, stopping on your way over would be really appreciated.

* If you are going to want a drink when you visit bring coffee or Tea, I'm busy being my babies mum.

* Don't overstay your welcome, newborn life is challenging, and parents want to rest.

* If the baby starts to cry when you are holding them ... hand them Back! - I know you might have good intentions of trying to settle them for the mum but it is actually really distressing and can become uncomfortable for everyone.

* Please don't pick up the sleeping baby, The parents will hand them to you if you want a hold.

* Don't walk around with the baby.

* And please try to avoid bringing your children to visit - if they must come, understand that you need to be watching them, and you will need to tidy up before leaving.

Anyway, I know this post was full of lots of bits and pieces, but I hope this helps any new mum's, and if there is anything to take away from this, it is that we are all just navigating this "mum life" one day at a time, no one really has it all together.. we are each learning everyday!